Raising a Whole-Brain Child

Every parent deals with conflict. The conflicts just look different depending on the age and stage of your child, but at the core the conflicts stem from only a few common influences. Ultimately, your child is dealing with an issue and might not be able to express exactly what is happening or why. Maybe they’re just tired or hungry. Or maybe they’re focused on a left or right brain response to a problem. This is where your role as a parent is crucial. Let’s look at some examples of what I mean.

Your toddler cries for 15 minutes when you drop her off at daycare because her socks and shoes don’t fit right. You have to leave her screaming so you’re not late for work.

At bedtime, your son refuses to go to bed and screams that he’s not tired (while yawning the whole time, of course). The more you push, the more he resists. The angrier he becomes, the more physical his actions become, pushing, kicking, and throwing toys.

You keep getting notes from school that your child is hitting and biting other children.

You’re having a great morning at the playground until you mention that it’s almost time to leave. Then your child throws a tantrum and you have to drag them, kicking and screaming, to the stroller while all the other parents are pretending not to watch.

All of these are common examples of conflicts many parents experience. How does the little person that stole your heart, so quickly turn into someone you loathe? And how do you deal with these situations without giving in or being too harsh?

I recently read a book that completely changed the way I think about parenting. It taught me how the brain works and described what’s going on in our children’s heads when emotions have hijacked them.

It’s called The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind and I would recommend it to any parent regardless of the age of your child.

I learned to figure out which part of my daughter’s brain has taken over and to react accordingly. In a nutshell it teaches you to connect first, then redirect. This means if your child is obviously taken over by emotion, you connect with them first, right brain to right brain. Once they’ve calmed down, only then can you redirect them or try to talk about left brain alternatives. “It’s generally a good idea to discuss misbehavior and its consequences after the child has calmed down. A child can be much more receptive once the left brain is working again and discipline can be much more effective. It’s as if you’re a lifeguard who swims out, puts your arms around your child, and helps him to shore before telling him not to swim out so far next time.”

Another key point I took from the book is how important story telling is to children. When something bad happens, having the child retell the story in their own words can have a profound effect on understanding, healing, and consequences. “When we help our kids integrate their past into their present, they can then make sense of what’s going on inside them and gain control over how they think and behave.”

I also had an unexpected journey into my own brain. I learned how important it is not only to raise a whole-brain child, but to be a whole-brain parent. I got a glimpse of how my brain works and how to better handle my own conflicts. The book offers some wonderful suggestions for when you’re at those points of frustrations and you’re focused on one negative aspect of what’s happening. “Slow down for a few seconds, get quiet, and ask yourself these questions: What’s something funny or adorable my child said or did lately? What’s my child’s favorite t-shirt? How would it feel if I weren’t a parent?”

Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in the situation at hand (my child is screaming about her shoes or won’t go to bed) that we forget all the good stuff (she painted me a picture at school and told me she loved me or he picked a flower for me today).

I won’t get into all the details of the book because I think it’s best read yourself. I know I will be visiting and revisiting this book for each new stage of development as my daughter grows. The strategies in the book are relevant, easy to comprehend, and science-based but nurture driven. No matter your parenting style, I believe you’ll find this book applicable.

Happy reading!

Life Lessons From a Toddler

I buy a lot of pet fish. I just can’t seem to keep them alive for more than a few weeks so my daughter has had several: Ruby, Jose, Anabelle… Her last fish’s name was Strawberry; a vibrant, red Beta. My daughter loved Strawberry. She woke in the night last week crying because we forgot to feed him. “He’s not moving,” she said in between sobs. He was moving. She was just afraid he had died of starvation in one night apparently.

A couple days ago it was time to change the water in Strawberry’s fish bowl. Since I’m so good at killing pet fish I actually read the instructions for a Beta and followed them. He had been a member of our household for about three weeks so I had changed his water a couple times already. I was supposed to empty 1/3 of the bowl into the sink and then refill it with clean, distilled water. I absentmindedly started to dump the water down the drain and in a flash I saw Strawberry flapping out of the bowl and into the drain. I had time to say, “Oh no! Oh no!” before the slippery sucker went right down. There was no time to react. Strawberry was gone.

My daughter was in the next room playing. I immediately started thinking of things I could tell her. “Strawberry got sick like Anabelle.” “Strawberry is playing hide and seek.” “Strawberry jumped out of the bowl to swim back to his family in Lake Michigan.” But I decided to tell her the truth.

I walked into the living room, sat on the sofa, and said, “You know how I needed to clean Strawberry’s fish bowl? Well, when I dumped the water out, Strawberry slid right out the top and down the drain! I’m very sorry, he’s gone and I will have to get you a new fish.” She looked at me seriously and said, “Mommy, you need to be more careful next time.” Then she smiled, gave me a hug, and said, “But it’s okay”.

This girl is three years old and she reacted perfectly. This is how we, as parents, should react as well. How many times do our children do something and we completely overreact? Especially if it was an accident. We need to take a deep breath, ask how or why it happened, and let them talk before we react.

The bigger lesson here for me was that honesty truly is the best policy. Had I made up some silly lie, I would have been teaching her that it’s okay to lie to cover up her mistakes.

Life is full of lessons. Even small lessons like this are actually larger in the scheme of things. Everything we say and do, how we treat each other, and how we react to situations is teaching our children how to behave. They mimic us. If you overreact when they skin their knee, more than likely they will to. If you yell when you get angry, they probably will too. If you can calmly talk through problems, hopefully they will learn to as well.

It’s like those billboards we see on the highway, “Your kids are watching. Be active and they will too.” “Eat more fruits and veggies and your kids will too.”

Be a good roll model. Children (and adults) are more likely to follow someone’s example before they follow advice. So set a good example. Think before you speak and make sure your actions reflect your character.

*Actual photo of Strawberry. He has now been replaced by Plum.

 

The Power of Being Present

When I was out with my daughter recently, I watched a toddler walk up to his mother and say, “Mommy.” “Mommy.” “Mommy.” “Hey, Mommy.” “Mommy?” “Mommy!” “Mommyyyyy!” As he was trying to get her attention, she was focused on her cell phone. She finished typing, shut the phone off, and smiled at her son as if he had just walked up to her.

Why is it so hard for us to give someone our undivided attention, especially our children? We are teaching them that it’s okay to ignore people; that our phones are more important.

Every minute of every hour of every day we are dependent on our phones. We answer emails, post on Facebook, and share on Instagram. We watch videos of other people’s children while our own are right in front of us screaming for our attention.

I’m using our phones as only one example of something that removes us from our present situation. It could be the television, work, stress, or our over-booked schedules. All of these are things that take away from our ability to be present. They take us away from what’s tangibly in front of us, here and now, and into a false reality of arbitrary deadlines and virtual friends. We bring our work home, we spend time with friends online instead of in person, and we rush to get everywhere late.

“Your children are only going to be this young for a short time.” “Enjoy this age, it goes by so fast.” I know, we’ve heard this nonstop since the day our kids were born, but you don’t realize how quickly the time actually does go by until it’s happening to you.

When my daughter was born she had this perfect little mouth. I remember looking at her thinking it was going to be so weird when she got teeth. Then she got teeth and I thought how crazy it will be when she started talking someday and wondered what her voice would sound like. Now she talks (all the time) and I can’t help but wonder what it will be like when she’s a teenager, driving, dating, then going to college. It will be here before I know it.

One day I’ll think about these years and want them back (even though there are days I wish there was a return policy on toddlers). I don’t want to reminisce about my daughter’s childhood and feel guilty about all the meaningless things I spent time on instead of her.

At my core I am a control freak, but having a child has changed that tremendously. I can actually let the laundry wait if my daughter wants to play. I’ll sit down and read a book while she naps instead of cleaning the house. I’ll stop what I’m doing to listen when my daughter wants to tell me something.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that you should treat your children like they are the center of the universe. I’m also not saying that every moment spent with your child needs to be solely focused on them. We have lives too and definitely need time to ourselves. But when I tell my daughter I’m going to play a game with her, I teach her the rules and laugh when she tries to cheat. When we watch a movie together, we cuddle. When we play outside, I get down in the grass with her. I believe the phrase “quality over quantity” applies here.

If you’re checking work emails while your children play on the floor next to you, that’s not quality time. If you’re watching television while your child is telling you a story, you’re not really listening.

Turn your phone off. Put it in another room. Turn off the TV. Go outside. Do whatever you need to do to truly be present. Your children know when they have your full attention and when they don’t. This goes for your spouse and friends as well. How many couples do you see at a restaurant and both are on their phones? Or what about that friend you meet for drinks and she’s only half listening and obviously focused on something else (like her phone or where she needs to be in an hour)?

It’s like we’ve become unable to communicate in person anymore. It’s easier to text than call. It’s uncomfortable to have to look someone in the eye when talking. We feel like we’re wasting time if we’re not doing five things at once.

How about this – once the kids are down for the night, instead of turning on the TV, spend time talking with your spouse. Make a cocktail and plan a vacation or give each other a foot rub. Spend some quality time together without any distractions.

When you’re out with friends keep your phone within reach (we have to hear if the babysitter calls) but turn it upside down, don’t look at it every five minutes, and just focus on the conversation and enjoy your time away.

When we’re distracted we tend to get frustrated or angry. This is when everything our child (or spouse) does becomes annoying. We’re too busy folding laundry so we tell them to go watch TV. We’re working on the computer and we answer their questions “uh huh” without actually listening. They notice this, and then just get even more loud and annoying. Kids act out to get our attention. So let’s give them our full attention from the start. They will notice.

Here’s a non-kid related example. What kind of driver are you when you’re rushed? Do you become the person you would normally honk at or mutter under your breath about? When we aren’t rushed, we don’t care if someone is driving slowly in the fast lane. We don’t care if we hit every red light. We let that car go in front of us that sped past the construction lane we’ve been waiting in. Don’t be too quick to shake your fist at others because odds are you’ve been that person before. My point here is when we’re rushed, we’re easily frustrated, and when we’re frustrated we lash out. Unfortunately, the ones closest to us usually receive the brunt of it.

Just because you’re physically next to someone doesn’t make you present. You’re only truly present if your mind is there as well. It’s hard for us to slow down, but I urge you to try. Enjoy the moments you have now with your family and friends because the present moment is all we have.